This is a photo of me in 2015. Crying on the floor of some bathroom. It took everything in me to take a photo of myself at that moment. It wasn’t a photo I wanted to print and frame on my wall — it was a photo to remind myself of a feeling I never wanted to experience ever again. I’ve taken many of these and as tough as they are to look at they remind me of my growth.
At this moment I was feeling like a total failure. I was unhappy and uncertain of the future. I wanted to just give up on this whole “following your dreams” crap. Clearly, I thought, this career isn’t for me.
I was struggling for money and my car kept breaking down on me. I just moved back to Chicago from Nashville and I couldn’t afford my own place anymore. Everything was a struggle and fight and instead of staying positive my negative thoughts kept overpowering me because my mindset for this wasn’t anywhere near where it needed to be yet.
I was weak-minded. I was lazy and unfocused. I wasn’t confident in my work or in myself. I didn’t like the way I looked and felt. I constantly worried about what others thought of me. I doubted myself on every level.
I would sit back and watch “friends” get ahead in life and felt like their loser friend who I knew everyone talked about when I wasn’t around. Did they actually worry/care about me or did they enjoying talking about me failing while sipping their mimosas at brunch?
If you’ve been here before you know this feeling. You battle whether you should quit or keep going. Should you detox these people from your life? The “friends” who sit and talk about others instead of things/ideas that truly matter. What does it take to just find the courage to take control of whats holding you back?
It takes EVERYTHING in you. It takes calling yourself out on your own bullshit and making some damn changes right then and there.
I had to look at myself in the mirror and realize that I was the only person in control of those feelings. It was up to ME to make the changes necessary to get to the mindset I wanted to be at — a mindset that was going to help me get closer to my goals. What if I had given up right then and there? Look at the blessings that were right round the corner… I would have missed out on this beautiful life I’ve been creating.
Right around this time in 2015 was when I really began working on my personal development and healthier lifestyle. Podcasts, books, inspiration all around me. Even on the days where I would have rather laid down and done nothing I pushed myself to fill my mind up with something positive and productive.
To this day I am constantly working on my personal development. I am not the same Tammy you saw a year ago, a month ago or even yesterday.
To be living a life of purpose means to constantly shed the layers of yourself that are hurting you/others. To own up to your failures and setbacks and keep going in spite of them. To forgive yourself and learn the lessons as you grow through them. It’s the most uncomfortable thing you will ever do but it is crucial if you really want to get to where you want to be.
Don’t look at how far you have to go. Take little, tiny steps. They will all make a difference. When you learn to start building a foundation by carefully and meaningfully laying down each brick with kindness, passion, focus and determination eventually a giant unbreakable wall is built.
I know what it feels like to think you’re not getting ahead and things aren’t happening the way you want them to. We all face struggles and self-doubt. That is why it’s so important to work on yourself to learn to block those thoughts before they take over.
Get up and take control. No one is coming to save your ass so either you cut the bullshit and start working on what’s holding you back or stay there and feel sorry for yourself thinking the world and people are always out to get you.
You are in control. GO ALL OUT. Or don’t. Your choice.
I refuse to sugarcoat this journey and tell you — ‘YOU DESERVE IT!” YEAH! FOLLOW YOUR HEART!” YAY LIFE IS AWESOME, YOU RULE!~!~!” — that is not the reality of this!!! Learn to own up to your shit. NO one out here deserves anything unless you’re out there putting in the time, work, effort!
Work for it or get outta the way.
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